Analyzing Conversations

Do you analyze conversations that you have on a daily basis?  I do.  Most introverts do, I think. The conversations that I have, even email messages, run through my head until I put them to rest. I must admit to even analyzing anonymous conversations that I overhear in stores, offices, restaurants, and campuses.  It's nosy, but it's such a great way to learn more about human nature!

Analyzing communication is not a new idea.   An English language philosopher, Paul Grice, wrote about the Cooperative Principle in 1975.  He observed that most conversation partners cooperate with one another in order to have effective communication.  The Cooperative Principle breaks down into four maxims. 

MAXIM OF QUANTITY  Each speaker gives no more or no less information than is required. Let's take the idea of more information first.  As an example, when I ask for directions, I often find that people overwhelm me with details that I can't remember anyway.  A few simple directions like "Right turn on Elm, left turn on First, first house on the right" would help me considerably. Sometimes my husband Wayne will relate a conversation that he has had and remark, "And he told me a whole lot more than I wanted to know." The Maxim of Quantity had been violated, I'm sure.

Now for the idea of less information.  Someone announces, "I got a new bread machine for Christmas."  A second person asks, "What have you made?"  First speaker answers, "Bread."  Hmm.  I might need to call in a psychologist to analyze that response!

MAXIM OF QUALITY  Each speaker speaks the truth and bases information on sufficient evidence. Husband to wife:  "Are you cold?"  Wife:  "No, I enjoy sitting in a meat locker."  A bit of sarcasm here, I believe.  I hope this marriage survives!

MAXIM OF RELATION   Each speaker contributes information relevant to the subject.  

First diner:  "Do you want dessert?  Second diner:  "Does the sun come up in the east?"  The first diner has to do a bit of thinking to realize that the second diner is saying "Yes."

MAXIM OF MANNER  Each speaker should speak in a clear fashion, avoiding vagueness, ambiguity, and wordiness.  Someone once told me that a neighbor "slept on the other side of the bed." Which side is the other side, I wondered?   It took me a few minutes to realize that the description was a euphemism for "gay."

Do we always follow the Cooperative Principle?  Probably not, and that's where concepts like humor, lying, sarcasm, and withholding information come into play.  Another interesting idea would be to determine if other cultures use the Cooperative Principle for communication in the same way as we do in English (I'll bet they don't!)

This YouTube video about violations to the Conversational Maxims should give you a good laugh! 

Saying What You Really Mean

Do you usually say exactly what you mean?  I'll bet your first response was "Of course I do. Doesn't everyone?"  Let's look at some examples of real language used in specific situations that may change your mind.

On a recent trip to Los Angeles, California, a group of us were dining at an upscale restaurant near The Grove.  (At least the menu prices hinted that this was a location for finer dining.)  My friend Mary, visiting from London, had a good laugh when the waitress appeared at her shoulder at the end of our meal and asked, "Are you still enjoying your dinner?"  You could surmise, of course, as Mary did, that the waitress was just checking to see if Mary was through with her meal, in which case the waitress would no doubt immediately have whisked her plate away . But the question had many possible interpretations and answers.  "No, the food tasted better before I got heartburn";  "Yes, the guacamole has just the right touch of spice";   "No, the music is too loud and the room is too hot" all come to mind.  But of course the waitress could have said more directly, "May I remove your plate?"

Many years ago, when I was grade school age, my mother and I religiously watched Perry Mason on television.  He was handsome, suave, and in control of every situation. During one episode, Perry Mason needed to have a private conversation with a client, so he turned to his secretary, Della Street, and asked, "May I impose?"   Della knew her boss well enough that she was able to interpret his question as a request for her to leave the room.  My mother and I had a good laugh and decided that we wouldn't have been quite so discerning.

Married couples are particularly adept at not expressing themselves in a direct manner.  And my husband of 32 years and I are no exception.  When he says, " I just saw the postman pass by,"  it  means he wants me to be the one to walk out to the mailbox and retrieve the mail.  If I say, "I've got work to do this evening." it is breaking the bad news to him gently that I won't be preparing supper.   

I'm sure by now you are thinking of many instances in your life of use of indirect language.  We often choose not to speak directly because we want to soften our expression, or appear more polite, or feel more comfortable suggesting rather than demanding.  It is part of our American culture.  

But have you ever considered the effort  it takes to understand others (or for others to understand us) when language is not direct?  We can't take the actual words at face value.  We have to go beyond the words expressed and add information from our own minds to correctly interpret indirect language. Cultural information, personal information, familiarity with the situation, location, and a good dose of common sense are all useful in interpreting language.  And we all do the necessary interpretation naturally until there is a misunderstanding.  If you have ever tried to learn a foreign language, you know that the words that you hear are often not what the person meant for you to understand.


The field of Linguistics has a term for the study of language in real contexts.  It is Pragmatics.  (Linguists spend a good deal of time, I think, thinking up esoteric terms that normal people don't understand immediately !)


Let me know if this brief discussion of use of language in context brings to mind any misunderstandings that you have experienced because of use of indirect language.  Those situations are often good for a hearty laugh!